Or, how a messed up life can be cool and interesting.
A website that includes a blog such as this is many times very malleable, it takes on many lives from inception to its conclusion. This one started as a website to show my talents as webmaster, to get customers. I have changed it many times, never being happy with what I had. Not only in appearance but also in content. I have never really been happy with this one website of all the websites I have made. They say that is the way it is for webmasters, your is never good enough.
The part I was not happy with was the content. The blog itself. A blog must be informative with something new to offer the reader. I could tell you all how to make a website, or the way to market it but there are many of those sites out there. Though it is not important to be the first but be the best I just feel that my readers can get that information other places.
I could write about being bipolar but then the same situation applies. At one time I talked about events and things that happen in Southeastern Ohio but I moved that to its own site. I did that because I wanted that great content to not get lost on a website that had way to much information. That is how I got to the blog part of the site I am at now.
I have been told by many of my friends and acquaintances that I should write about me, about my life and about how bipolar has affected me. My response to them on those suggestions is that nobody would want to read about something so boring. Their refusal to accept that and their urging me to do it is what brought me to do this. I have also been told by more than one person that I should put it in book form. That there are people out there who have fought with their lives and could identify with my struggles, victories, losses and life.
So here it is. The prologue to a new blog. A new chapter in my life. Something that I enjoy doing, helping people feel good about life, helping them enjoy what is around them and to understand that you can get through this. Bipolar and the harshness of life itself should not hold you back or down. You can fight it and win. It may not be the victory you dreamed of. It may not be the victory you wanted, but it will be a victory. A victory of achieving a life that is yours, that you fought for and can be proud of.
No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.”― Shreyasi Phukon
Everyone has dreams of how you want your life to go when you are in your teens. Some people are able to keep their eye on the prize and others realize that those dreams are just not what they want, their dreams, wants and needs change.
In my case it was living for today and the future be damned. I met a girl (isn't that always the case) and decided that a life with her was faster and easier than reaching for my dream of being a disk jockey. That was quickly followed by kids, a job that I hated, so on and so forth. Of course this led to a job that I hated, a life that I hated not to mention hating the person I saw in the mirror.
At the same time a problem that I had my entire teenage years was getting worse. That was when I was under stress, when things weren't going my way I had uncontrollable fits of anger. A rage that I could not control under any circumstances. I turned that rage towards my children, yes I took out on them the fact that I was not happy with my life. It was their fault, who else could be to blame. Let me say that yes I understand that could also be narcissism, but I don't nor have I ever fallen into the definition of that. I take responsibility for my actions. I have empathy for others. I have never felt entitled. I don't require constant admiration, or any of the other traits of the disorder. I was just unhappy, I had nothing to live for. I didn't know why because I did everything that others were doing to be happy. I did what I was raised to do, take responsibility for my children, take care of them and even when my wife and I got divorced I had no problem paying my child support.
But I was now free to find what made me happy. I went through another failed marriage. I was sent to Washington D.C. with the Air Force, I was free. I had friends, several "friends with benefits" and so on and so forth. But I still was not happy.
It took several years after before I realized that being happy was not my problem. The problem was that I went through periods of deep depression followed by periods of being very "happy". I later found out that the happy periods were not really happy periods at all. They were manic periods. I was not happy at all, I just felt better than I did when I was depressed. I don't know if I was ever happy or felt good about my life. I filled it with things that I liked to do that would give me a good feeling.
It was during one of those times that I wondered what was wrong with my life. I had pretty much all that I had wanted, or thought I wanted. I had actually achieved one of my dreams by being in the Air Force. But then in one of my hunts for a "friend with benefits" I met the person that would come to help me understand what the problem really was.
I fell in love with the lady who would show me that I had a problem. During one of my depressed states my temper got the best of me. She told me that the person who was acting that way was not the person she fell in love with. I had to go get help or she would leave. So I did.
Well I was diagnosed with depression. The medications helped but I still did not understand why I was feeling the way I was. Then after my first doctor stopped practicing and I had to find a new doctor was when I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, or Bipolar 2. That means periods of depression with periods of Hypomania.
This all made sense to me then. Feeling bad, like I was not worth anything then like I was the king of the world. When I was younger I did experience some manic periods that included some addictions and things. All of this will be discussed and I will talk more about how all of this has affected my life.
So I have decided that I can probably help others by telling my story. That if someone, just one person identifies with my problems, with my life then this website has been worth it. Who knows, maybe I will get enough feedback to do what was suggested. Write a book about me.
About the author
I am a certified webmaster who has lived a life dealing with bipolar depression. My goal is to not only help others dealing with bipolar and depression but to help those around them to understand what is going with their loved ones. I write about how I deal with it and hope that it inspires you to understand that you don't have to let it control you. You control it. I write the way I talk. I want you to feel like I am talking with you in a conversation, not preaching at you in a way that makes you feel like you have to do what I tell you. I hope you enjoy my blog posts about not only bipolar but all things that I write about.
What about your dreams? What about you? Do you live with bipolar disorder or depression?
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